He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
