I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
