I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I need to stop coming to work sober
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
