I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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