It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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