you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
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He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
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I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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