Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
