im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
