If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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