tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
