I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
