Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
