I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
