she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
