My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
