you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
