Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
