im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize