you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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