we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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