i need an iv and a liver transplant
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
