Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
