I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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