ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
