I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
