The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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