i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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