Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
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And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
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I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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