Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
