I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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