My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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