My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
