Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
