Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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