4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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