I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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