The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
