My hand turned me down
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
