I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
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when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
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Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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