My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
