I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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