Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
