Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
