Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.