WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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