Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
