i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
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BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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