So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
