Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
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