Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."