If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
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All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry