hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.