benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic