well I can't set my house on fire every night
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
be right there i have to get my cape
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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