i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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