If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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