I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
