If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
3 2 1 whiskey
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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