Your mouth is God's brothel.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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