i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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