Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
