I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
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every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
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There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.