my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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