Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
