Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
