life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
