Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
