Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dignity is for republicans.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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